The toilets are miles away
Two men were at a football match and it was just seconds away from kick-off."Man," said the first man, "I'm bursting for a pee, and the toilets are miles away""Don't worry," said the second man. "You see that bloke in front of you? Just pee up his leg.""Are you crazy?" said the first man, "that bloke's massive.""Oh," said the second man, "he won't notice anything.""How do you know? said the first man."Because I've just peed up yours!" said the second man.

Did they really say that?

"Julian Dicks is everywhere, it's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

FOOTBALL BLOOPERS

"Barcelona... a club with a stadium that seats 120,000 people. And they're all here in Newcastle tonight!"

"Ronaldo is always very close to being either onside or offside."

"We were a little bit outnumbered there, it was two against two."

"Julian Dicks is everywhere, it's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

"If England are going to win this match, they're going to have to score a goal."

"You weigh up the pros and cons and try to put them into chronological order."

"Robert Lee was able to do some running on his groin for the first time."

"I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat."

"I'm not a believer in luck but I do believe you need it."

"What will you do when you leave football, Jack... will you stay in football?"

"Unfortunately, we keep kicking ourselves in the foot."

"Celtic were at one time nine points ahead, but somewhere along the road, their ship went off the rails."